Some people who are terminally ill or in constant pain kill themselves to end their suffering. I think that’s a perfectly reasonable and decent thing to do.
But most suicides — especially among physically healthy people — are not like that at all. I think they’re motivated instead by the urge to “leave a trail of destruction in one’s wake”. This destruction takes the form of a slow train-wreck of blame and shame on the part of those who are left behind. Suicide prompts inevitable questions and invites a particular sort of interpretation: “What drove him to it?” — “It must have been his ____ [fill in blank here with name of supposed oppressor]. — How horribly they must have treated him! Shame on them!”
Self-harm is usually a passive aggressive activity. It’s manipulative. In a disguised way it’s intended to cause more harm to peripherally “blameworthy” people than to the immediate “victim”.
Suicide is the ultimate in self-harm, and so the ultimate in passive aggression. It exploits our taboos as expressed in phrases like “we mustn’t speak ill of the dead”. Because it is verboten to utter bad thoughts about the dead person, yet something undoubtedly bad has taken place, there is a “finger of blame”, but it cannot be pointed at the “victim”. We are inclined to be inventive, and re-direct our condemnation towards “those who victimised the victim” (who are usually imaginary).
This is the sly thinking of hunger strikers, suicide bombers, and those who exploit children by forcing them to become “suicide bombers by proxy”.
Of course many suicidal people are depressed. And depressed people deserve sympathy rather than condemnation. True. But depressed people are ill, and illness is better treated with honesty than deception. Depressed people are often angry. Angry people are often aggressive, and sometimes do violent things. These things are no less violent for being done by depressed people. We fail to understand suicide if we treat those who kill themselves with unquestioning, saccharine reverence. And quite apart from failing to understand them, we foster an atmosphere in which further potential suicides are more likely, because their intended effect is more clearly guaranteed.
I’ll say that again: if we treat people who kill themselves with too much reverence and respect, we encourage further suicidal behaviour. This probably helps to explain why suicides often break out like “epidemics” in close-knit rural communities.
Instead of wringing our hands, beatifying the dead, and apportioning blame to the living, I suggest that we reserve our sympathies for the living and if necessary adopt a gallows humour or even mockery for the dead. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings, they can’t feel a thing.